Been a little bit sad.. haven't posted anything personal in a while

Do you ever think about if your life was a movie or a book what would the title of that book be? Sometimes it feels like mine would be titled "A Series of Unfortunate but yet easily unavoidable events". So I won't go into too much details before I depress the life out of you and myself. But long story short, my mom whom I've lived with all of my life had a stroke on March 31st 2019. Before she had the stroke, she was having something like Delirium/Alzheimer. My mom is an amputee from diabetes, has kidney stones, gall stones, chronic pain, painful bladder syndrome, yet she was never motivated to eat healthier, and my life as her caretaker has been nothing but a living hell. I've been parenting her for as long as I can remember probably eight years old. And then also took over taking care of my younger siblings a lot of time.

There were lots of time where my mom would be good health-wise and things would be good, but more times where she was ill to the point where she prayed for death. There was even times when I have helped her pray for God to take her life because she would be howling like a wounded dog in pain. So sometimes I go to a very very dark place, where I am in auto mode. I do things, I look happy on the outside. But when everyone is asleep, I lay in bed awake wondering, wishing, trying to make sense of it all.

So my mom since March 31st 2019, was in the hospital for three months, then had her moved to a nursing home. Because I simply could not manage with her care alone.

So its been over 9 months now but I still can't get over being angry at my mom. Angry at her for not trying hard enough, angry for putting me through so much of an emotional turmoil. And its not from lack of me trying. I have tried everything I could think of to motivate her, buying her flowers and roses. Taking her out, showering her with gifts, writing her poetry, buying her books. I could write a book, it would probably be called "All the things that did not work".

A lot of my travel have been to escape my mom, and a lot of times I have wanted to travel and couldn't was because of my mom. So sometimes talking about my travel is hard too.

My husband has been trying to easily hoax me into cleaning my mom's room and deciding what to do with her things. Because based on her current mental situation a lot of it she will never be able to use again. My mom was also a bit of a hoarder. Yes I know some of you will say I need counselling, I have been trying counselling but the lady I have talked just keeps sounding like she wants to cry more than me after listening to me share something lol. So it has not been going well. She just says "Oh Dear, oh dear, and how does that make you feel?"  None of which tells me how to stop feeling angry. How to let it all go. How to just accept this somewhat vegetable state of a person is my mom. And how to love and care for her as she is right now?"

It may not seem like it lol, but this is a very condensed story of whats been happening, and how I have been feeling. Are you a care taker? How do you deal with your feelings of anger? Reach out to me by any means and let me know. Peace and love to all!


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